damn

i'm usually neutral when it comes to racism. especially when the bumiputra's special rights are the main agenda. most of my friends can testify to that. i think in a country like malaysia, rich in it's own cultures and diversities, tolerance is a must for us. for peace to prevail, we must learn to make certain sacrifices and learn to live with each other. if we can't do that, the unity on which this country was founded on will crumble.
however, instances and individuals highlighted in this particular letter makes me wonder. why do i maintain my idealistic views? right now, i really do not know. and don't get me wrong. i'm not blaming a particular race. all i have to say is that we are all responsible as a whole.

kingdom of heaven

i just watched the movie yest with ly. i'm not a huge fan of orlando bloom (i prefer aragorn compared to legolas) nor am i a fanatic christian. and i do have my reservations about the crusade. with all that, i watched the movie with not much expectations and well, i was just trying to enjoy the movie. i do like these 'epic' movies.

so how was the movie? i actually find it pretty good and mainly because for me, it has a deeper value than just a movie. wat the movie portrayed was so true... wat is jerusalem anyway? after all the bloodshed, can it remain a holy land? do god really want us to slaughter each other under his holy name?

come to think of it, the situation hasn't changed much these days. the only difference - swords are replaced with guns and technology has made all the killings easier and with greater impact. and they say history lessons are for us to learn our past mistakes so that we do not repeat those mistakes.

i would like to continue blogging about my opinion on this matter but there's something telling me i shouldn't. after what happen to a close friend of mine, i decided that the 'freedom of speech' crap is just that - crap. and i wouldn't challenge that although i want to. see, this is what you should do with history lessons... LEARN...

emotional roller coaster

the past few months have been really strange on me. i do not know since when, but i've realized for a few weeks now - my temper is back. actually, it's not just my temper. me ego's back for a visit as well. it's all the negative emotions that has been lingering around during my high school days. all the anger and hatred welled up in me. all the sadness and disappointments and frustrations. it's everything dark and more.

the weird part? i can't decide if it's good or bad. you see... i've been trying to change myself, to be a new person when i started life in uniten. so i started to change. trying to be someone i'm not. it succeeded, definitely... no more temper, no more depression. but with that, i've also lost a part of myself. i've lost touch with the person i am, my identity.

i know it might sound silly to some of you, but by changing myself, i've lost the drive to push myself to the limits. i've abandoned everything that meant something to me.

i'm confused. just when i thought i've managed to blend in, to make ppl around me comfortable... just when i thought i've fulfilled the expectations certain ppl have on me... i lose myself...

how is it possible?

the stats says it all... man utd controlled the game for the whole of 120 mins but just couldn't score... and in the end, we ended up with nothing... arsenal were just plain lucky to have gotten away with that... with that said, man utd still rocks! GLORY GLORY MAN UTD!

where do i find the time?

as teenagers/ young adults, i guess there are a few expectations to fulfil. especially from our own parents. well, i've got a few that i would like to fulfil, personally. these, i guess, are the basic aspects that we should grow accustomed to:

1. to be a good son
2. to be a faithful/ active follower of christ
3. to be a good/ active student
4. to be a good bf (well, i've gotta be responsible right?)

*i would love to add - a good sporstman but too bad i have neither the skill nor the talents to really make it big in any sport.

well... from the overview, it would seem to be an easy task right? just four objectives. well, let me break it down one by one, in my view point.

good/ active student. i dun know bout other students. but it seems like studies have taken up a large portion of my days right now. taken up much more of my time than my liking. just felt like, it's something that i HAVE to do. i dunno why. it ain't like this back in secondary school. and it's affecting my relationship with my gf much more than i expected. and because of that, even my frens (jason in particular) have labeled me as the "ffk" guy... and lately, i have tried to be an active student as well... trying to get involved in various projects in my uni... but it's definately more challenging than it seems. never seem to have enough time in a day. and i think i sleep less compared with the normal guys. i practically sleep bout 3/4 hours a day... on a good day, i get 5 hours of sleep.

faithfull/ active follower of christ. i have to admit i ain't strong religously. i started going to bible class early this year but i have skipped the past 8 classes (2 months) due to exams and robocon and stuff... and the youth group. i really wanted to be part of it but how can i? do i have the time to spend during the weekends? i would dread making promises that i can't keep.

good son. this is, for me, the main pritority right now. my parents have sacrificed a lot for me. and because of them, i am who i am right now. i know it's not much but at least i hope i can make them proud. they have given me all that i could ask for. all the support and love that i need, a wonderful home to live in, delicious food for every meal and a sound education.

last but not least, a good bf. well... for some this is not important. but i feel that, the moment i decided to have a gf, i should take the responsibility as her bf. to treat her nice, to pamper her, to make her happy. but i do realise i've not been doing that lately. i realise that i've been breaking a lot of my promises to her. just hope that she can understand my situation. it's not that i dun wanna fulfil my promises. i just can't.

well... there you have it. how do i achieve all those? i only have 24 hours a day like everyone. how does everyone achieve it? and not to forget, there are many more that i would love to do. my guitar class, my robotic project, my computer games, my weekly night out, weekly game of futsal... all of which i haven't given much thought lately or simply haven't got the time to do.

it could all boil down to time management and discipline, the 2 characters which i kinda lack. and it could be that my priorities are not right. or maybe i'm just thinking too much and taking things too seriously. maybe all i have to do is to chill and relax. enjoy life as it is. so wat do u think?

project NiC?

as i've said before, the robotic comp did ignite my interest in this field. so after deliberating over it for a while, i've decided to embark on a project of my own. well, nothing too high tech. just something simple for me to fill my spare time with. my project will be done in stages and i will post my progress along the way, that way, my blog won't be so dead as well... =)

i'll think over the stages of my project before announcing it here. meanwhile, anyone who can help me out, please do. i need all the help i can get especially in the electronics and programming part.

however, i'm still in the thinking stage only. i do not know if i can manage to find the time required to work on this project, so i guess it'll be a slow moving project. anyway, more updates on this soon.

results

kinda bored of studying and can't think of anything to post so here's my result for the previous sem... i'm neither sad nor happy bout it... ermm... basically no comments... however, i have to say this is my worst result so far... moral studies II is a STUPID subject to study! but for the rest, felt like i screwed some of the papers but the results still came out ok... so i guess i'm a lucky kid... =)

back again...

after disappearing for a while, i think it's about time to reactive my blogging life...

just barely two weeks ago, i was involved in a robotic competition (robocon) held in pwtc which involves the participation of several universities around Malaysia. given the lack of preparation by my group, it's no surprise that our team lost in the round of 16 while the other representative of uniten fell in the quarterfinals. what did i gain from the competition? a lot i guess. not just from the technical point of view but also from the experience it gave me.

technically, i've found a new interest in robots. especially the electronics and programming part. throughout robocon, it is quite obvious that the major difference between each university is the reliability of the robots and that basically comes under how well it was programmed and also how reliable the circuitry was constructed. mechanically, almost all the robots could perform what they were built to do. So i guess the challenge is there and it is up to us to answer.

from the experience, our group actually faced some problems within ourselves. let's just say we had different ideas and personalities. and after the storm, we sat to talk things through. it was then that i realized how much i missed being with my group of friends (jason, kam, zi hui, jacky, ang). i remembered how much fun it was to work with them during our years back in VI. although we did face tremendous pressure at times but the passion and unity that we shared pulled us through. as a result of that, we sailed through the years with wonderful memories, through good and bad times.

with this group, i was hoping to achieve that, but i guess it's too much to ask for. first and foremost, we do not share the same passion. and i guess we all have different views on the values of unity and brotherhood. anyway, it is perhaps a good thing too. at least the bond between my friends and i will always remain a special one. and now i know that it can never be replaced.

this is getting rather emotional. and i'm probably painting the wrong picture about my current group of friends. i'm not saying they're all bad. they've got their plus points and they're fun to hang out with. if not i wouldn't be hanging out with them so often right? just that we share a different perspective in the friendship we have. whatever it is, i'm still looking forward to working with them on future projects and by the way, two of the projects have already begun.

so with that out of the way, back to my studies. it's now special sem in uniten which means everything is cramped up into 2 months. and i have foolishly challenged myself into taking two subjects and a lab during this sem. now, i'm suffering the consequences as my time table is bloody packed! i barely have time left for myself... let's just hope i can survive this sem...

with that, i'll end this entry.. gotta hit the books as there'll be a quiz tomorrow...

ps: i'll try to have more consistent entries from now on... =)